Ana... kidnapped?!?!

I was so scared yesterday. I thought for sure ana had been kidnapped. I had no restraint. I kept eating and eating and eating. Then today I swam in the leftovers. I am TOTALLY bloated and FAT as a mud-covered-dirty-oinking-SWINE!!! I HATE being this fat.. I don't know what to even say. Tomorrow I am fasting and getting laxies and taking water pills. I am so EFFING SICK AND TIRED of being FAT! I can't even feel my rib bones anymore. If you only knew, you would CRY WITH ME!
I just NEED to be thin again. I HAVE to reach it, I WILL reach it.. I'm determined and I WONT STOP until I'm thin!!
I won't eat ANYTHING tomorrow!! Water, laxies and water pills ONLY...
This is my ana blog

A cookie by any other name.....is still just a cookie

I can't believe this. Last night was horrible!! I ate a small salad and some pieces of bacon.
NEVER AGAIN!!
Then I decided I was fasting again. So I woke up today STARVING and I still don't know why. I managed to skip breakfast and lunch. Then I ate 2 whole wheat toast with peanut butter and had a cup of hot cocoa.
My mom called and asked if I could bake some holiday cookies. So I made 5 pans of cookies and I'm NEVER EATING ANOTHER COOKIE!!! I ate one chocolate cookie and one choc chip cookie and had a glass of milk.

I would ask WHY I am gaining weight.. BUT my paragraph above explains it all.
I stepped on the scale today and I am 2 lbs fatter than I was 3 days ago. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I'm ruining my own chances of being skinny.
I WILL BE THIN!!
I don't care what I Have to do to get there.

Eat this, eat that... I'd eat my arm if it weren't attached~

They were staring at me.. The cookies were everywhere. I'm so angry. I tried so hard not to do it. I was already well on my way into day 2 of my fast. I must have eatten like 6 cookies. Then it was all downhill. The girls were making french toast and I ate 3 with syrup. So I drank water the rest of the day. EASY MAC!!! WHO DOES THIS??? My niece was eating easy mac at the table and drinking her glass of milk. I could smell it, and usually the smell makes me sick. Today it was like the most delicious thing i'd ever tasted. I'm getting out of the house, away from the temptation. It's like the devil lives in my kitchen. I'm so fucking sad. I can't believe I ate all that today.
so I started another fast and I am going to run my 3 miles again tonight to burn off some of those calories.
ughhhh... I feet so fat and I swear I can poke my stomach and it feels bigger too..
I'm gonna be skinny... Even if it kills me trying....

I've always been the thin sister...

Today is the begining of day 2 of the fast. I still feel fat and haven't eaten anything. I even refused to drink last night because I didn't want to feel bloated. I jogged my mile last night at 10:30pm. It was really cold outside, so I came back to the house. Today I'm doing 3 miles.

For as long as I can remember, I've been the thinner sister. There's just two of us, but I was always the smaller one. I just got home for the holidays and noticed my sister is losing weight. I don't know what she did or is doing and I really don't care, but SERIOUSLY?!?! Couldn't someone have warned me?? Do they want me to be the "fat" one in the family now? You have to be kidding me. I am NOT putting anything past these lips that could even resemble a calorie.

I was flipping through old pictures that my dad had taken on the digital camera last night. OMG!! Can we say FAT?? In one picture, I'm holding my little cousin and she is soooooo tiny. She weighs like 13 pounds at two yrs old. I couldn't believe the size of myself next to her.
I have other pics of my friend (one of my thinspo girls) and I wanted to vomit. She is so much thinner than I am. She wears a size 0 and I just want to be like that. She bent over the other day and I saw some of her spinal bones. I was totally in envy.

I'm going to do my 3 miles now and might drink a bottle of water after I'm done. I really hate being home for the holidays. There is food everywhere. The house smells like cookies, bread and cinnamon.

I always knew she'd be back...

I've been coming here and reading posts for awhile, but hesitated on writing. I didn't know where to start. A few years back I had an amazing relationship with ana. She was my everything. If I was breathing, I was always with her... My mother thought she could convince me to eat. It worked when she was there, but when they both would leave, I would stop eating again.
The years have passed. Ana left me long ago too, but I know she recently returned. She whispers to me. Says she wants me back. She misses me, or maybe I miss her... I really want that feeling back. The feeling of being in control.
I'm married now, and he doesn't know about Ana. He doesn't know the history her and I have. How we were the best of friends.
I'm only 7 hours into my fast, but I know it's going to feel great (Ana told me it would)...